While we were in Sri Lanka I was reading a couple of Mills and Boons novels from the 1970s (trashy romance... there wasn't much else to read) and I was shocked by how bullying the male heroes were. Must have been the era, I thought.

But here we are again.

Twilight. New Moon. I mean... what? Barely contained violence, stalking, confusion, keeping the woman off balance and intimidated, interfering with her relationships with her friends and support networks, cycles of aggression and carefully calibrated vulnerability... you name it, an emotional abuser's took kit is all here on display.

If your sons and daughters are romanticising the bully and the enabling victim as hero and heroine then they are in for some serious issues when it comes to a long-term relationship because the paradigm is about his conflicting needs (to have his physical needs met - in this case to suck her blood - and to own her in a virginal state) versus her conflicting needs (for him to care-take her emotional security and ... oh wait a good girlfriend doesn't have needs beyond being looked after).

Have a little peek into the world of Dominant/Submissives. One of the double-edged swords of the internet is that every minority can form a community and everybody else can learn about things they might never otherwise have imagined. From my short exploration Doms are Masters and Submissives are Slaves. When a Master and Slave find each other the Master trains the slave and the relationship then moves to the next level of power imbalance.

Be honest. Ladies when you watch something like Twilight isn't there part of you that gets drawn in to longing for that safe feeling of letting go and being taken care of? Isn't there a part of you, men, that likes the idea of a woman always available, always on the look out to be everything you need?

But here's the problem. If a man has to take care of a woman then she can't be everything he needs because there will be times when he needs to feel taken care of or at least not to be burdened by the emotional well-being of someone else. And if a woman needs to be taken care of then he can't be everything to her since there will be times when he will be self-centered, cranky or simply unavailable.

Our culture does portray real-life relationships, but not often. Relationships are like life. If you accept whatever you're fed by a society that basically requires workers and consumers then there will always be something wrong, something missing. We all know that relationships take work, but so does life. And work isn't exactly the right word. Practice. Life takes practice. Relationships take practice. Each informs and transforms the other.

I read something about the importance of being skillful in your thoughts and being skillful in anything takes practice. But practice without guidance runs the risk of entrenching bad habits. So who guides us in our practice of life?

Obviously our parents are important role models for both life and relationships. So as parents it is even more important that we are skillful with our practice. I don't know about you but there are plenty of times that I feel unqualified for the job of guiding a new human being (or three) through the practice of life but we're not alone on this journey.

Yesterday my four year old daughter waited patiently for a very long time for me to come and lie in bed with her while she went to sleep. She is starting pre-school tomorrow and she needs a bit more affection than she usually does. I expected to pull her into my embrace but instead she slipped her arm under my head and lay my head on her chest. It felt strangely humbling, as though she was comforting me. Maybe she was.  Since she was a baby she has been teaching me that I don't have to have all the answers. In fact most of the time I just need to step out of her way and let her be the incredible human she has been since her first day.  

But it isn't just about us, we also need to try to provide her with the tools to defuse the confusing, destructive messages that will get in the way of her wonderful self.

Posted on February 08, 2010 - by